Well I set myself the challenge at the beginning of the week to commit something to virtual paper, and I have done. It’s a rehash of a story I tried to write a long time ago that I never looked at again. I’m fairly certain that other than one line, everything else has changed.
This is quite a rare one for me as it’s a story that could almost be a true story from my life. It’s important that I stress that this did not happen. Many of the smaller details may be borrowed from real life and the character isn’t a million miles from yours truly, but this is fiction. Like any good movie or TV show I include a disclaimer that any names or characters that this resembles are purely coincidental and this work does not reflect any real life individuals.
Not everybody really likes parties. they can cause an unbelievable amount of stress, anticipation, broken dreams and disappointment. Though these themes are correct, I can not and would not argue otherwise, there’s also a great deal of excitement and beauty to be found among that madness. I thrive at parties. Love them. Not because I’m always having a wonderful time. Not because I live in a world without disappointment or stress, but because they always lead to a good story. The only thing I like half as much as a good party, is a good story. So, let me tell you a story, a story about a party. A story about a girl, which is also a key ingredient for a good story.
At this particular party I had come with a girl from my work to a university party. I had left my university days behind me without giving up any of my university attitude. Though I came with my friend, that was what she was, so I couldn’t even introduce myself as ‘Stacy’s Boyfriend.’ That would have been an adequate story that invited many fewer questions. The truth was that I actually didn’t see my friend for most of the rest of the night. She was there in search of a particular young man and I was only required to get her through the door, once we were in she was bold enough to make her own way through the rooms.
She did do me one kindness though, before setting off on the hunt. She introduced me to a friend of hers while comically whispering “this is the one I told you about.” Comical indeed, to everyone except myself and the girl in question. “John this is Kat, she’s in my Spanish class. Kat, this is John. We work together.”Kat’s name was the third clear sign that I was in trouble. I had a long history with Cats, Kats and any variation on that name. It had always been trouble. I think it was because I grew up with two cats. I don’t really think that at all, I just can’t find another way to explain it. The second reason I’d known I was in trouble was that ridiculously, agonisingly cute way she’d flitted her eyes around the room and smiled awkwardly when we had met. The first was the fact that she was incredibly beautiful but held herself in a way that suggested she didn’t really know it. That was a killer.
So, there I was, just standing there, and already with three reasons why I was in trouble. We chatted for a little, she told me a little about herself and about her course, I made a couple of quick little comments, not really jokes. The kind of thing that makes someone laugh when you’re first getting to know them but you’d never bother to repeat or even remember. Maybe she’d think I was funny, but at least she might relax a little and if she did, I might too.
The ebbing and flowing of a party, with all of it’s currents and channels, eventually moved us on a little. She new some other people there she hadn’t said hello to and I was eager to suggest that I might know some other people too.I didn’t, of course, and I had seen my friend leaving with her coat in one hand and a young man in the other. Notably, not the one she’d gone looking for. As I say though, parties were something I enjoyed. I didn’t enjoy the word mingling, but I enjoyed what it meant. I moved around a few rooms until I found one that had the food in it. There is always a room, at any party, that has a beautiful spread of food that goes almost unnoticed until after three in the morning. This was still party early, barely gone midnight, and I was at the perfect stage of drunk for meaningless conversation. Another fact of parites is that the best conversation is always to be found adjacent to the food table. Why these things coexist so well, I can only speculate, but I do find that food makes people much more friendly, even if they are not actually eating it. Just being around food can make people happy, and people do do such strange things when they are hungry.
And so I passed the next couple of hours. One of the keys to my enjoyment of a party is to behave in a manor that is just slightly ridiculous. This I can achieve through a number of different ways, being it dressing oddly or choosing something a little strange to drink. That way you make it very easy for people to start a conversation that requires absolutely no real interest on either side. The thing that should be avoided at all times is any kind of conversation with a stranger that either of you might care about. If two people agree, they can feel horribly compelled to continue a conversation past it’s natural stopping point, if they disagree then there simply is no natural stopping point, just an exponential increase in volume, repetition and expletives. To this party I had brough a deck of playing cards. I shuffled in a dull moment, played snap and eventually surrendeded them to a game of poker, leaving just before any real money was involved.
I got by that evening by telling a number of different lies. At a student party it really is easier to be a student, so I chose a different major subject each time I met someone. I knew that a lot of the people present were scientists so tried to stay away from any class they might be in. This came fairly naturally to me as I knew much more about the science of parties than I did about Newton’s First. Business was usually a good call as the classes were so large and vague that I could wing a conversation pretty well. That and the fact nobody really wanted to talk about it that much, as they found it as dull as I did.
The time passed easily. I kept just slightly behind the general level of inebriation, another excellent rule to try and stick to, and had a wonderful time. As the evening drew on I spoke to a number of interesting people and even told one or two of them a few truths. Eventually, through more the magic powers than scientific properties of parties, I was reunited with the famous Kat. I had done a fairly good job of not looking around for her and I was thrilled when she squeezed in next to me and smiled like we were old friends. This was an especially good development as I was spending most of my energy trying not to hear a long speech being given by the leader of the men’s hockey team. It was something about team spirit, and how difficult life was when you were tall, handsome and physically fit. Needless to say, I had completely lost interest basically before he’d begun talking. Unfortunately, I was also really good at not listening to people without them ever knowing that he continued for some twenty minutes.
After that we were approaching the end of the night. Music began to die down, people began to leave and those of us left found places to sit where there had once been crowds of dancing bodies. By four, all the food was gone and so were most of the people. Apart from Kat and I there were three others; Captain Hockey, who had given us all of his diet and work out information, An interesting (if over enthusiastic) young blonde girl named Sara (no h, but said like it has one) in the kind of dyed silk clothes that let you knew she’d been backpacking in Asia and a quiet guy with dark hair who had curled up in the corner with a joint and a guitar. He was playing quietly to himself and I wasn’t sure he knew any of us were still there.
Now, what you may well realise is that I have spent almost no time at all talking about the actual subject of this story, even though she is one of the only people I’ve given a name to. I do this out of respect, respect of her and to myself. We did actually talk a great deal that night. Enough to know that my friend had been right when she’d told me I’d like her. Enough to know that she was smart but in no way arrogant and funny but quite reserved. She laughed at the little jokes I made, even when they were at the expense of other people. She made me laugh, which was twice as important. We flirted a little, nothing too far, nothing we couldn’t come back from, nothing we’d feel silly about. I liked this girl, I knew that for sure. I wanted to see her again, hoped to get to know her better. It’s also important to understand that by four o’clock in the morning, even those behind the level of inebriation, are perfectly inebriated. With that in mind, I also confess I do not always make the best choices at four o’clock, even when sober. I hope that goes some way to explaining the following events.
There were four developments then, all of which were down to the merciless nature of the human bladder, and particularly the fact that once someone eventually remembers they need to go, everyone does. Sara the explorer was first, and when she returned she rested her head on the knees of the stoned guy playing guitar. It was about three minutes till both of them were asleep. I was next, once it’s begun it’s better to go early, I find. I didn’t want to be away any longer than I had to, but also didn’t want it to seem like there was any possibility that I didn’t wash my hands. It’s a tough balance to get right. When I arrived back hockey captain had his arm around the back of the couch where we had been sitting. He wasn’t quite holding Kat and she wasn’t quite ready to let him. This was why I didn’t want to be away. This was what I was afraid of. When I returned, she stood up. She brushed past me placing a hand just very gently on my side. My faith restored, I returned to my side of the couch. A more petty man would have sat in the middle, next to the hockey player, forcing the rearrangement in my favour. He’d have known what I was doing of course, I’d be laying my cards on the table. I didn’t think I could be that petty. I also didn’t think I wanted to piss off a guy that much bigger than me.
“Some girl eh?” he said after what was supposed to be a friendly pat on the shoulder. His hand was still along the back of the couch, waiting for her to come back. He was no longer boring, he was ghastly and irritating. I should have sat in the middle.
“Yeah, she’s nice… Good chat.” I tried to play it cool, like I wasn’t really paying attention, not that he was fooled.
“Nice ass.” I really didn’t have a response to this. I never do. Is this what men are supposed to talk about? Are we supposed to comment on every body part that passes us by? Is that what real men do? It’s never seemed right to me, but I laugh awkwardly anyway and nod my head. There was no point in denying it, but I didn’t feel like saying it out loud.
She returned and I did my best not to let my eyes light up too much. She sat down cautiously, only half on the seat and leaned forward to drink the end of her wine. As she did Captain Hockey stoop up.
“Guess I better go and see what all the fuss is about through there. What is it the say? Shake it once..”
And yes, there was an accompanying wink, at me. He was playing the ‘Bro’ card now. Making us some kind of fraternity. Trying to assert himself as alpha male. I knew he was going to push me into something stupid. And then I was left alone with Kat and two unconscious stoners. She sat there, still only half on the couch, but turned slightly towards me. Silence. Between that and the impending return of our new friend, there was a lot of pressure on me to say something.
I knew that life, the important parts of it, are made up of moments like this. Moments where the thing that you say can change things around, can make things happen. Say the right thing to a girl in a moment like this and you become the hero of the story. Say the wrong thing and the moment is lost forever. I knew that that was how it worked. I knew it just as much as I know now that it’s complete nonsense. Still; in that moment, in that place, I knew it was true. I felt certain that I had to say something. Something important and persuasive and charming and eloquent and interesting. It had to be gold, my A game. I didn’t do very well, given those circumstances.
“I’d cook breakfast.”
god help me.
“What?”
well at least I had her attention.
“Well, it’s four in the morning and we’re at a party. It’s fairly clear at this point that if you were in the mood to take either of us home you could take your pick. I’ve done my best to get to know you tonight and I think we’ve gotten on pretty well. On the other hand you have the soon-to-be-professional athlete. I’m sure that with all those protein shakes and team showers he’s in pretty good shape, and that must be a little tempting. So, if you happened to be in the mood to take either one of us home, and I’m not saying that that’s necessarily the case, but if you were. If that were how it was, then you’d be weighing it up right about now, you’d be tallying pros and cons and seeing which of us came out on top. His obvious physical appearance puts him ahead in a dead race but I think maybe you’ve liked talking to me and maybe you’re a little bit interested in me, you might be looking for some reason why I deserve your time. If that’s the case then this is my chance to present an argument, to say something persuasive. I could make some terribly awkward statement about my prowess or declare my love for you, but both of these would be as ridiculous as they are weird and would see you heading the other direction. So there it is. I’d cook breakfast for you. I make very good pancakes or french toast and can cook an egg or bacon to order….’
I tailed off a little toward the end as her jaw began to drop. My sober self caught up with what my drunk self was saying. My jaw dropped a little too. Had I really just tried to bribe a girl with bacon? People do do strange things when they are hungry.
Right on queue Captain Hockey arrived back in the room with the line that should have come out my mouth.
“I think it’s probably time to take off, anyone heading back towards halls?”
Kat gave me one last look, mostly it was a look of pity as the shock passed. She left under one broad arm of the hockey player. I left ten minutes later. I navigated Edinburgh well at this time of the morning. I’d arrived in a taxi and only half known where I was going, but at four am it’s pretty easy to figure out where you are. I was somewhere between that place that does the quiz, that corner where I kissed that girl I never saw again and that ally way where I’d relieved myself one night on the way home. That meant that yes, I did indeed need to head back in the direction of halls, but I’m glad I was going it alone. I took a very long walk and then sat on a bench for a while. Then I walked some more and as the sun came up I was on my back on the Meadows, hoping a seagull wouldn’t shit on me, though accepting it’d be poetic justice if it did. I got back to my flat at about six, almost completely sober.
I sank into my bed without taking off any of my clothes and stared up at the ceiling. After about ten minutes my phone went off with a text from a number I didn’t know. This night had just one surprise left in store for me.
Hey, It’s Kat. Our friend Stacy gave me your number earlier on. Managed to get rid of Captain Hockey and find some more comfortable clothes. Where do you stay, I’m in the mood for breakfast xx
